i dunno what the hell is wrong with me

never felt this kind of sucky feeling in my life before, very bottled up and unbalanced. talking all sorts of bull shyt and being damn unreasonable. feeling never so accurate in instincts before yet also overly sensitive. terrible feelings come into me, for reasons that i dunno and cant figure out. or probably there were some reasons but i chose to feel indifferent.. normally you do FEEL unhappy for a reason.
then it doesnt make things better when you offended your parents. i cant help but want to quarrel with them. mentally drained? detesting myself? detesting reality? i also dont know...
right now i just want to feel reassurance that i am leading my life in the right direction. super insecure, i just want to be reassured about myself.

feels sucky to do really badly for tests. i failed one already and it was supposed to be an advantage for people strong in maths. whats wrong mann.

right now i just want to leave myself alone and play bball or do sth damn different.

Smile always | 12:40 AM

midterms was terrible. i seriously will flop it.
the midterm week felt like a major exam instead. With 2 presentations and a holiday mood, i cannot finish my revision too.

so went out with the girls from the uni clique to town to shop. like finally! yay hope to go out with them more often (: and waraku was sooo niceee! hopefully anh and xiaoruan will come out too!

and today was out with bear such a pity that i couldn have supper and late night movie with him. i want them!!! hes the only one that i can do these with le..

gonna be my 2nd last entry here while it reaches 888 posts. cant wait to move my blog but to dont know where. gonna change things and change my life. i know who are the very few friends i have. the rest are just artificial labels. only makes me feel i'm unimpt, taken for granted. i know my social circle will be damn small from now on. but surely this is what i only have. after so much of trying and letting go i think i know clear enough.


kahlai!! please come back soon and play bball with me! and shopping or studying please to my dearest wendy? you are forever so busy and i really miss the times with you :(

Smile always | 11:44 PM

maybe i was too angry.

dunno why i just lock that motivation and urge to mug hard.
this will probably be a sign of failing exams. nvm work harder for the bigger papers.
just hope my stats can dun need study and score. hoho waiting for miracle to happen.

everything will be alright
tmr will be fine
the world will still shine and the world will still turn.

Smile always | 12:44 PM

Smile always | 12:40 AM

sian sian sian!

someone please study with me :( i'm lacking of motivation and i wish people like yihui is with me and studying with me.
i miss old mugging times with jacky junyi too, and weiling who is busy :( drivethru mac lehhhh
AND MY STUDYING PAL WHO IS ON HOLIDAY NOW. and is going to work and going to ns very soon. greattt.
and the papa who was my maths teacher but apparently what i'm studying is never of his interest
i really miss jc times! i'm kinda drifting away from them and i need these people to motivate me to study! people come back please :(

i'm not going anywhere much for this recess week and i'm frigging bored but it doesnt help to make me study
i wanna hear fish sing too
greatttttt i only know how to be grumpy :(

Smile always | 9:55 PM

mentally tired.

past week was busy with the fundraising thing. like ARGHHH it was a crazy period although better than my florist job experience. i admit seeing people shocked with their vday gifts is one of the best things to do, but its damn tiring and i wished this would be the last for a looong period. it also made me reflect on whether i could take stress and cope with lethargy and whether i would be suited for the accountancy course since my future job would probably require me to live in highly stressed and ot-filled env. i guess i couldnt afterall? maybe being an air-stewardess was better for me? but i want lucrative source of income, i want to retire early. and i dont have that brains i think. maybe business was much better for me instead? i prefer organizing events though its tiring and irritating but i get to run around and do things with people. yes people, friends whom i can work with.

felt that i'm kinda terrible as a person with a terrible personality. felt that i'm being detested or disliked by closer people. i dont know is it true but i know i havent been a good friend. i dont feel good about myself and how people would view me. hope not but the feeling seems very real.

time to catch up with studies. cos i cant catch up. hope i can use back my rusty old brains! MUG WITH ME!!! no more bear bear to mug with me anymoree =(

feeling mentally tired and i dunno where to seek that refuge. i dont feel good anywhere talking to anyone at the moment. nor will leaving myself alone help. the feeling where u want to find a way out and away from this feeling but i feel kinda lost. nor do i know why am i like that when i shd be all happy with what i have.

Smile always | 10:58 PM

Smile always | 10:48 PM

just a temporary entry to vent my bottled thinking.

sometimes i feel i am one who gets easily neglected. so i choose not to talk at times anymore when i feel unheard. cos i know i cant relate to people well unlike others. i cant make friends so easily.
so you consider me as that friend. yes being neglected is normal, but so you would choose to spend the extra time with others that could give you better attention than to spend some attention with your neglected friend, then i rather not be that friend of yours. go away, your selective attention to me doesnt make me feel any more comfortable. go find your better friends. your selected attention also doesnt help to make me feel that i can turn to you all the time. cos its selected attention, to maintain it i must take initiative all the time and its so tiring, and you cant think in my shoes. and you judge, and you probably feel its just minor thinking of mine that may probably go away another time.
tired, i dont want to spend the extra effort maintaining artificial friendship. i'm not excellent or whatever, but its just how it feels.
do you even bother. go find them.


thankful for a very great friend who came back into my life recently like how he/she did in the past. friend, i'll need you more often than before. i hardly can find someone that i can click well with like you. thank you so much for returning.
and to those few who cared, thank you many lots. i'm hardly doing my tutorials and mind wandering off to the future or the past and the fundraising thing, thank you for your naggings. but i reassure you that i will start doing my tutorials from this sun on and i will catch up what i missed for the past few weeks. ponning lectures and stoning, studies were never so screwed in my life. will need your company much more then. i really cant live without you people around.
and thank you dear for your daily calls to me and letting me find you. haha growing more reliant on you ever before. terrible me.

Smile always | 9:13 AM